Something I could have been

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:37:56 GMT

Bri M Menning
Jeffrey Harrison
Final Paper/WR 123
Fall Term/2009
“Three-Ring Addicts at Heart”
Rise Against the Extreme
Silence fills those lots now, where once the Greatest Show on Earth dazzled fifteen thousand excited patrons housed under an enormous fifteen acres of canvas (Hammarstrom, 38.) The midway, a pulsing vein, teemed with thousands upon thousands of circus folk and citizens, one entertaining the other, the other supporting the existence of the first, both converging within the beating heart that was the big top. Memorable curiosities, exotic creatures from all corners of the world, death-defying feats by blindfolded women high above the heads of the crowds, and the sound of that big brass band, finally reaching crescendo, fade into distant memory. We don't pay for that sort of entertainment anymore. We much prefer to handpick our entertainment, the quiet, sterilized settlement of a prepackaged box into our carts to be enjoyed by a limited, homogenized culture. Technology provides yet another level of separation from our entertainment and, as a result, the community around us. We've become a more advanced society, but have we become less collective as well? The once-teeming circus lots beg response, where have all the people gone?
The Rise of the Circus
"The circus is change of pace--beauty against our daily ugliness, excitement against our boredom." -John Steinbeck
At the turn of the last century, Ringling Brothers, basking in the warmth of their success, "hit the rail" (Hammarstrom, 37) towing seventy-six rail cars. Hundreds of misfit, traveling vagabonds considered this their home. These vagrants unloaded the trains and, like "ants on candy" (Gruen1, 32,) descended upon empty lots and equipment-packed train cars with vigor, methodically bringing the circus to life. Smells of popcorn, lemonade, and sawdust envelope the anxiously awaiting township. Distant roars and tinkling instruments, sounds carried by the wind, confirm: the circus is in town! The big top, an expansive mass of canvas stretching 600 feet long and 200 feet wide, heaves it‘s way above the heads of the growing crowds. In a matter of hours, rail-side lots teeming with activity transform desolate open fields to beehives of energy and activity. The cook-tent belched and burped smoke from the staff meal. The circus, if not a way to riches for some, was at least a free meal to many outsiders who hopped the train to join the circus.
Circus life also provided an outlet for a strange talent for those yearning for public approval. Performers, expected to master their craft, dedicated hours to the daily preparation and practice of their carefully cultivated performances. For many, the train circus provided an exciting life, as well as a profitable one; all of the star quality with much more adventure. Within these chugging, expansive, steel trains and under the dingy canvas, spotted with mud from the season's work lived some of the World's greatest performers. Their sole purpose being to entertain, these masters of the craft dazzled spectators, defying laws of nature and man.
Sideshows, in addition to the menagerie collection, aided in dictating a show's prosperity. Gigantic circuses, such as Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey, scoured the earth for human oddities and talents, such as sword-swallowers and fire-breathers. Tarot card readers, conjoined twins, and enchanting prostitutes dominated the sideshow tents, true social rejects living among circus gypsies. Often the circus, the only alternative for someone born with a permanent, debilitating disorder, provided a sense of belonging. Many sideshow professionals flourished among those who were cast out of society as they were. Likewise, public curiosity, admiration, and yearning for this knowledge of the obscure and disturbing sustained the growth and continuance of the sideshow, which provided a valuable home for many rejected elsewhere.
We adored the circus. It became our cultural darling. Nowhere else could remote villages and townships view the magnitude of extremes more profoundly than at the circus. It was a dream world, a well-oiled machine that disappeared as quickly as it appeared, a ghost in the night. The circus is alive in all of us.
Rise of the Machine
The Great Depression destroyed the positive moral that buoyed circuses from city to city. Reality set in. Instead of having the ability to attend the circus, would-be patrons instead stood in line at soup kitchens, mere pennies in their pockets and starving families at home. With reduced admissions, as well as too-high payrolls, the circus desperately evaluated cost-cutting measures. Dramatic decrease in attendance, right at the time circuses were beefing up performer payroll, furiously racing to create the greatest show the world has ever seen, threatened the survival of traveling circuses. Live music, the big brass bands that were at one time the beating heart of the big top, became "one of the first victims of bad times (Hammarstrom, 44)," being instead replaced by cutting-edge phonograph records, the use of which enabled the circus to "replicate huge forty- to sixty-piece studio bands." The desired effect? Like the industrial revolution, the circus sought to lower their costs, which would in turn raise their profit. Reduced personnel costs, as well as higher productivity, result in more available capital. More money allowed for further technological additions to the circus in an attempt to keep with ever-growing tastes. The only way for the circus to remain relied on technology. To save them. As the nation emerged from The Great Depression, technology further adapted to entertainment purposes as growing numbers of leisure activities benefited from and relied on modernization.
The circus transformed. When John Ringling North took over the Ringling Bros. Circus in 1938, he recognized the importance of transporting the American circus into modern times. Americans were "much more sophisticated (Culhane2, 233)" in the 1930's than they were before, having greater access to the world around them, thanks to the proliferation of "radio and movies with sound and color" into society. 1938, a dangerous year for traveling circuses, closed with the folding of eight shows. John North cast a "critical eye on size and manpower (Hammarstrom, 47)," reducing workers by replacing them with mechanical tractors and stake-drivers. To streamline circuses with the advance of technology, John North attempted to modernize the circus, attempting to keep audiences "enchantingly engaged," creating a more surreal environment with special lights and designer-made costumes.
However, the circus quickly lost footing among American entertainment-seekers once modernization took hold. American imagination, hijacked by the magic of the movies, craved something bigger than the old circus promise of “Bigger than Life!” The carefully cultivated fantasy world of the movie house loudly drowned out the aesthetics of the traveling circus. Modern entertainment drew crowds as the circus struggled to catch up. By the time the Ringling Bros. circus, in it's 86th season, "limped into Pittsburgh (Hammarstrom, 163)" the 16th of July in 1956, it was too late for their survival. Americans fell in love with the circus because it was "life as heightened as imagination can make it. . . it is not special effects; it is real (Culhane, 234)." But circuses were no longer the darling of America's entertainment; the "illusions of the movies had replaced it." John Ringling North, defeated ring-master of a forgotten dynasty, at the peak of American mobilization and spread of technology, allowed peacefully for the next act to commence.
The Modern Circus
"I really wish they would invent something else in addition to the radio... Future generations would then have the opportunity to be astounded by the way broadcasting made it possible to say what it had to the entire Planet Earth and at the same time enabled the Planet Earth to see that it had nothing to say"-Bertolt Brecht, 1927 (Schechter12, intro)

David Lewis Hammarstrom, the foremost circus critic, spent his life both working on and writing about circuses, living in the new electronic circus. In Fall of the Big Top, he defines our modern technological hipsters as "three ring addicts at heart," the circus being a "glorified metaphor for our consumer-oriented society that still applies." In the same years we discovered the immense power harnessed by nuclear energy by the development of the first A bomb in 1949 and became captivated by ever expanding knowledge of space, we were gripped intense national fear by the launching of Sputnik in 1957. New technology gave us a greater insight into the world around us than ever before, allowing us to manipulate and mold perception of previous constants. Technology allowed a glimpse into the Pandora’s Box of Information, soon to be our future. In a few short generations, we changed global perception forever. Technology became our circus. Little did we know, our Pandora’s Box would quickly transform into a constricting Bermuda Triangle.
Technology, while separating us from reality, allows us to regard ourselves "as having mastery over nature (Eitzen3, 107)." Rather than accept the world, we have "sought to change and conquer it," believing that "a proper application of scientific knowledge can meet any challenge... science will save us." In a lot of cases, it has. We abandoned traditional forms of community entertainment and retreated indoors to view the greatest technological advances in the last century from comfort of our own homes on the television. Science, once so obscure, entered our very own living rooms. "Apollo II, the mission to the moon...(was) the greatest crowd-pleaser in television history (Spigel4,107.)" Our world grew bigger than the circus tent.
Unfortunately, today, it is barely possible in America to simply survive without the aid of advancements from the last century. An average person wakes to their blaring alarm, turns on the light, and hops into a warm shower. Do you listen to the radio or watch the morning news? I drive to school and work myself, because, like many Americans, I own my own car. The effects of modernization are astounding, and from an advancement perspective, supporters of this cultural evolution view the benefits. Clearly, there must be a cultural benefit to widespread “techno-tainment”5 if everyone has a cell phone, laptop, satellite TV., and blog. If it was not good for us, why would we do it?
From the Golden Age of the American circus to now, we have made great strides and stumbles. Creation of the automobile provided mass, long-distance transportation. The Civil Rights Movement created equality in law for all. We cured many diseases and have seen the emergence of many new, terrifying threats such as AIDS. We have seen global disasters and threats of terror on dizzying new levels with the global population exploding from 2.5 billion people in the 1950's to nearly 6.8 billion today. Americans, comfortable spectators at home, view these astounding changes from soft glow of a television, casting shadow puppets on the walls. "Because they had mass, they became simpler (Bradbury6, 47)," with survey-taking and customer satisfaction polls, streamlining entertainment being the consequence of continued techno-overuse. Once an expressive form of art, motion pictures are now born by a carefully consumer-manipulated formula. Trial-and-error entertainment became a bold technique. Technology, meant to advance us, bring us together, turned society instead into passive-viewing sheep, chewing our manufactured entertainment mindlessly.
Unfortunately, our society has diminished its ability to validate its use when the effects of this extreme proliferation of technology within society has caused the extinction of real talent. Where once technology was an asset, it is now an expectation. At one time, we were amazed by the ability of our fellow man. Today talent is easily manufactured through voice-overs and clever camera manipulation. Entertainment no longer requires careful talent, nourished over the years by dedication, and true talent now, for the most part, has become a thing of the past. Norma Cristiani, a circus former performer, commented on the lack of people who truly devoted their lives to performing, noting that "nothing would undermine the circus so much as allowing for the use of mechanics (Hammarstrom, 56)" adding that traditional circus performers would have the ability to perform "a lot more tricks if you knew you weren't going to get killed."
We no longer have time to such lifelong dedications anymore, though. "That curiously undervalued commodity called free time has been eliminated almost entirely (Winn7, 131)," as we find ourselves dedicating more and more of our time working less with uncovering new knowledge and instead direct energy toward utilizing and benefiting from current advances. Slowing, society awakens to the realization that technology "may not be the solution and may even be the source of the problem (Eitzen3, 108.)" The more we can digest in a shorter amount of time, the more, inevitably, piles up on the plate. Like the circus, which sought to obtain our complete attention, technology drowns out all other voices in the room, dominating the conversation. So common are technology and entertainment anymore that we rarely acknowledge their presence.
Created Reality: Implications of a Created Society
"Let them Eat Television" -Robin Templeton, 1997
Today, we worship those devices which create a sense of advancement. Like the era of the circus, we quickly find interest in all of the newest information. We gain information at a faster rate than ever before. Everyday, new discoveries replace existing information and our collective supply of information increases. One of the most profound examples of such is the rapid advancement of online information. In a few, short decades, internet has become widely available to the American public. With such ample access to such rich, diverse, multitudinous information, it's easy to become distracted among the rubble, particularly when the vast majority of new research and information is created for passive consumers and viewers as opposed to active listeners.
This "wired world (Lightman8, 290)" in practice was going to provide for us all of our dreams. However, by creating and utilizing technology to the extent that we as Americans do daily, we are adding "yet another level of separation between us and the action (Tenner9, 162.)" In part, this means that we care less about what we do as well as the natural world and pure talent around us. Our "greeting cards are becoming our epic poetry, MTV our heroic opera, and Walt Disney our Michelangelo (Twitchell10, 224.)" Is this fair? The television, and indeed all of the benefits we enjoy from access to technology, transmit "a privileged view of the universe (Spigel4, 107)," reveling in our Utopian ideals of "technological supremacy, consumer prosperity, and domestic bliss." A continual circus.
Rather than diversify our culture, technology aids in society's homogenization. Will this new, advanced "wired world be better informed than any other, or will the information crowd out knowledge? (Stille11, xiii)." In the years that the tent circus collapsed, Ray Bradbury, in his terrifying novel, Fahrenheit 451, imagined a world where books and knowledge were "hated and feared," where the television is reality, and technology "becomes and is the truth." The world we live in; the circus we created. We own the ability to create and manipulate the reality around us. Perhaps we have technologically advanced beyond the boundaries of the traditional circuses, but we have also transcended our sense of reality.
Our new reality is clean, sterilized. Our new reality transports us through a fiber-optic line to a gateway to the world. Our new reality opens vast layers of knowledge, of information. Information and technology have expanded and evolved beyond our wildest imaginations. They have discovered, picked apart, and discarded advancements at an ever-growing exponential rate. Technology, once used primarily for labor, infiltrated and laid siege to traditional entertainment. Technology is entertainment. Information is entertainment. Our new reality is assembly-line manufactured for our entertainment, using the most useless, cutting-edge information. Meaningless. Robotic. Unpoetical.
Technology demands our attention in the same way circuses used to. The cell phone is ringing. The TV. screams. Billboard advertisements beckon. We have come to identify ourselves through technology as well, becoming "(crammed) full of noncombustible data (Bradbury6, 54)." Like the waltz and home phone lines, the circus fades into cultural obscurity. Sure, they exist. In newly manufactured forms, streamlined to our consumer tastes. We have our own circus now, and we'll retreat further "from the very cadence and motion and continual stir of curiosity and wonder (Bradbury6, 130)" that converged countless communities beneath the bursting big top. Slowly, the memory of train circuses chugs into the distance, leaving the ghosts of performers past searching for their spotlight. In a relatively minor amount of time in human history, we obliterated the need for traveling talent. Within a matter of decades, our patterns of self-fulfillment and identity reflect our ever-increasing dependence on technology. While there is more available at the end of our finger tips, fewer and fewer of us spend time in the realm of reality.
We are left, stranded on the fringes of reality. Our collective reliance on technology spells disaster for individualism. We are statistics, never truly owning what we claim, herded from movie to television show to computer. Even without watching cable I know the shows that are on, having heard details from others constantly. The world, filled with conflicting messages, begs our attention. Watch this, go here, wear this, a mantra sung constantly as we strive to consume more. Spoon-fed technology at birth, my generation values new information as much as we value a light bulb. A light bulb, like the circus, began as a curiosity, flourished with success, and extinguished with commonality. What do we care about the human value of attractive yet intellectually altruistic design when it's only ninety-eight cents on the Wal-Mart shelf?

“Whirl man's mind around about so fast under the pumping hands of publishers, exploiters, broadcasters that the centrifuge flings off all unnecessary, time-wasting thought!" -Fahrenheit 4516

Containment. The circus embraced entertainment, procuring what once were social rarities: exotic animals, grotesque disfigurements, and breathtaking spectaculars. We have no need for that anymore, however. We have become accustomed to spectacular, exotic and grotesque. We expect nothing less. However, "We need to be really bothered once in a while (Bradbury6, 45.)," which the circus did for communities but in moderation since the circus was not everyday in town. Being so close to the action, all of the time, has increased passivity. We retreat further into the circus of technology, losing personal identities. We no longer ooooo or aaaahhhh because when the rare person does fly through the air with the greatest of ease, we were too busy updating our twitter status via our blackberries. Information and indeed entertainment long ago were considered quite profound, encompassing discipline and strength. Today, information and entertainment err closer to the side of profane. Mass, homogenization, and technology destroyed not only the circus, but what is fundamentally important to society in general: integrity.
Notes
1. Gruen thoughtfully and completely researched circuses for her fiction novel Water for Elephants. She even went to the Ringling museum and achieves in Sarasota, Florida
2. Culhane has written two other books on movies. He has made numerous appearances as a guest clown with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. He also co-produced a documentary about The Greatest Show on Earth.
3. Eitzen is a professor at Colorado State University. He co-wrote a college sociology text book titled Social Problems.
4. Spigel is a professor in the School of Cinema and Television at the University of Southern California. She has written and edited numerous books.
5. “Techno-Tainment” is entertainment that relies on technology is some form or another. From television, to cell phones, even musical greeting cards. Using technology as a replacement for individual creativity and talent.
6. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury is a historically valuable novel. It’s publication created public outcry. Even six decades later, the world mimics Bradbury’s imagined implications of technology.
7. Winn has written 13 books, several about children and television.
8. Lightman is a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, as well as a Physicist and novelist.
9. Tenner is a former executive editor for physical science and history at Princeton University Press. He holds a Ph.D. in history from the University of Chicago.
11. Stille has written several history books and frequently contributes to both the New York Times and The New Yorker.
12. Schechter has produced and directed several television shows. For eight years, he was a producer for 20/20, winning two Emmys. He currently runs his own television and film company, producing 156 editions of the award-winning series South Africa Now. He also has co-produced documentaries related to human-rights violations
Works Cited
Bradbury, Ray. Fahrenheit 451. New York: Ballantine Books, 1953.
Culhane, John. The American Circus: An Illustrated History. New York: Henry Holt and Company, 1990
Eitzen, D. Stanley, Maxine Bacca Zive, and Kelly Eitzen Smith. Social Problems. Boston: Pearson, 2009.
Gruen, Sara. Water for Elephants. New York: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 2006.
Hammarstrom, David Lewis. Behind the Big Top. Cranbury: A.S. Barnes and CO, Inc., 1980.
Hammarstrom, David Lewis. Fall of the Big Top: The Vanishing American Circus. Jefferson: McFarland and Company, Inc.,Publishers, 2008.
Lightman, Alan, and Daniel Sorewitz and Christina Dresser, eds. Living With the Genie: Essays on Technology and the Quest for Human Mastery. Washington D.C.: Island Press, 2003.
Schechter, Danny. The More You Watch, The Less You Know. New York: Seven Stories Press, 1997
Spigel, Lynn. Welcome to the Dreamhouse. Durham: Duke University Press, 2001
Stille, Alexander. The Future of the Past. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2002.
Tenner, Edward. Why Things Bite Back: Technology and the Revenge of Unintended Consequences. New York: Alfred A Knopf, Inc, 1996.
Twitchell, James B. Carnival Culture: The Trashing of Taste in America. New York: Columbia University Press, 1992
Winn, Marie. The Plug-In Drug: Television, Computers and Family Life. New York: Penguin Group, 2002.
Bibliography
Babinski, Tony. Cirque Du Soleil: 20 Years Under the Sun. New York: Harry N. Abrams, Inc, 2004.
Barnum, Phineas T. The Colossal P.T. Barnum Reader. Ed. James W. Cook. Chicago: University of Illinois Press, 2005.
Bradbury, Ray. Fahrenheit 451. New York: Ballantine Books, 1953.
Culhane, John. The American Circus: An Illustrated History. New York: Henry Holt and Company, 1990.
Eitzen, D. Stanley, Maxine Bacca Zive, and Kelly Eitzen Smith. Social Problems. Boston: Pearson, 2009.
Epstein, Joseph. Friendship: An Exposé. New York: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2006.
Gruen, Sara. Water for Elephants. New York: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 2006.
Hammarstrom, David Lewis. Behind the Big Top. Cranbury: A.S. Barnes and CO, Inc., 1980.
Hammarstrom, David Lewis. Fall of the Big Top: The Vanishing American Circus. Jefferson: McFarland and Company, Inc.,Publishers, 2008.
Hartzman, Marc. American Sideshow. New York: Penguin Group, 2005.
Haugen, David and Susan Musser, eds. Technology and Society: Opposing Viewpoints. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2007.
Keen, Andrew. The Cult of the Amateur: How Today’s Internet is Killing our Culture. New York: Doubleday, 2007.
Kick, Ross, ed. Everything You Know is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide to Secrets and Lies. New York: The Disinformation Company, ltd, 2007.
Lightman, Alan, Daniel Sorewitz and Christina Dresser, eds. Living With the Genie: Essays on Technology and the Quest for Human Mastery. Washington, DC: Island Press, 2003.
Manufactured Landscapes. Dir. Jennifer Baichwal. Documentary. Photographer: Edward Burtynsky. 2007.
McKennon, Joe. A Pictorial History of the American Carnival. Bowling Green: Popular Press, 1972.
O’Nan, Stewart. The Circus Fire: A True Story. New York: Doubleday, 2000.
Rubin, Gretchen Craft. Power. Money. Fame. Sex.: A User’s Guide. New York: Pocket Books, 2000.
Saxton, A.H., Ed. Selected Letters of P.T. Barnum. New York: Columbia University Press, 1983.
Schechter, Danny. The More You Watch, The Less You Know. New York: Seven Stories Press, 1997
Siegle, Lee. Against The Machine: Being Human in the Age of the Electronic Mob. New York: Spiegal and Gray, 2008
Spigel, Lynn. Welcome to the Dreamhouse. Durham: Duke University Press, 2001.
Stille, Alexander. The Future of the Past. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2002.
Sutton, D. Interview. Subject: Uses and benefits of modern technology. 30 Nov. 2009
Swortzell, Lowell. Here Come the Clowns. New York: The Viking Press, 1978.
Tapscott, Dan. Grown Up Digital: How the Net Generation is Changing your World. New York: McGraw Hill, 2009.
Tenner, Edward. Why Things Bite Back: Technology and the Revenge of Unintended Consequences. New York: Alfred A Knopf, Inc, 1996.
Twitchell, James B. Carnival Culture: The Trashing of Taste in America. New York: Columbia University Press, 1992
Wallace, Irving. The Fabulous Showman: The Life and Times of P.T Barnum. New York: Alfred A Knopf, Inc, 1959.
Werner, M.R. Barnum. Garden City: Garden City Publishing, 1923.
Williams, Suzanne. Interview. 19 Nov. 2009.
Winn, Marie. The Plug-In Drug: Television, Computers and Family Life. New York: Penguin Group, 2002.
Annotated Bibliography
Bradbury, Ray. Fahrenheit 451. New York: Ballantine Books, 1953.
Bradbury in his fictitious predictions for the future examines a world controlled by entertainment. Surprisingly, six decades after the book was published, our world mirrors in many ways the world of control and disillusion caused by technology that Bradbury ominously predicted. Important to read for insights into a true techno-society.

Hammarstrom, David Lewis. Fall of the Big Top: The Vanishing American Circus. Jefferson: McFarland and Company, Inc.,Publishers, 2008.
David Lewis Hammarstrom examines the circuses’ struggle against modernization and technology while simultaneously utilizing it’s benefits. Working on several shows for many years, Hammarstrom also worked with John Ringling North, integrating these unique insights into his prose. Gives fantastic insider-evidence that technology destroyed circuses.

Schechter, Danny. The More You Watch, The Less You Know. New York: Seven Stories Press, 1997
Schechter examines the ties between mass media and homogenization of culture. Analyzes the effectiveness of mass media and criticizes its practices after working as a reporter for 30 years. Gives amazing inside information on how mass media is used to control the population and homogenize culture for easier marketing.

Spigel, Lynn. Welcome to the Dreamhouse. Durham: Duke University Press, 2001.
A cultural-history book that examines the effects of media on consumer-oriented aspects of life. Examines the disvalued nature of art as a result of mass media. Focuses on changes in family life as a result of media, including increases in consumerism. Spigel’s unique perspective comes from her profession, a professor in the School of Cinema and Television at the University of Southern California.

Stille, Alexander. The Future of the Past. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2002.
Stille examines the expanded range of knowledge provided by technology. He criticizes global homogenization through technology.

Where did all the fun go?

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:31:56 GMT

By Brittany M Menning

Silence fills those lots now, where once the Greatest Show on Earth dazzled fifteen thousand excited patrons. (Hammarstrom, 38) Memorable curiosities, exotic creatures from all corners of the world, death-defying feats by blindfolded women high above the heads of the crowds, and the sound of that big brass band, finally reaching crescendo, fade into distant memory.We don't pay for that sort of entertainment anymore. We much prefer to handpick our entertainment, the quiet settlement of a prepackaged box into our carts to be enjoyed by a limited, homogenized culture. Technology provides yet another level of separation from our entertainment and, as a result, the community around us. We've become a more advanced society, but have we become less collective as well? The once-teeming circus lots beg response, where have all the people gone?

The Rise of the Circus

"The circus is change of pace--beauty against our daily ugliness, excitement against our boredom."
-John Steinback

At the turn of the last century, Ringling Brothers, at their height of their power, "hit the rail" (Hammarstrom, 37) towing seventy-six rail cars. Hundreds of misfit, traveling vagabonds considered this their home. These vagrants unloaded the trains and, like "ants on candy" (Gruen, 32), descended upon the empty lots and equipment-packed train cars with vigor and methodically brought the circus to life. The big top, an expansive mass of canvas stretching 600 feet long and 200 feet wide, was still put up by hand, and those at the bottom of the ladder did this grueling grunt work. In a matter of hours, the rail-side lot would teem with activity. The cook-tent belched and burped the smoke for the staff meal. The circus, if not a way to riches for some, was at least a free meal to many of the misfits who hopped the train to join the circus.

For others, the circus provided an outlet for a strange talent or fascination for those yearning for public approval. Performers were expected to master their craft, dedicating hours to the daily preparation and practice of their carefully cultivated performances. For many, the train circus provided an exciting life, as well as a profitable one.Within these chugging, expansive, steel trains and under the dingy canvas, spotted with mud from the season's work lived some of the World's greatest performers. Though they did little grunt work, they were the life-blood of the traveling circus.

Like all shows, there was a performer hierarchy. Clowns provided a distraction while other performers set up and got ready for their spot. They were essential to the circus, the only people allowed to "remain in the ring while other artists (were) performing (Swortzell, 212)," handing out candy, causing minor mischief, "freely interrupting other acts or wandering into the audience" where they could, if they wanted, view the show "from the lap of a pretty female spectator." Minor performers were shown simultaneously, forcing spectators to choose which of the three rings they would watch. For major performers, on the other hand, the focus was put onto the center ring while the other two "stood empty (Culhane, 179)" It was expected that they were emptied considering "it was assumed all eyes would be on these performers anyway."

While general workers survived in the closely-packed sleeping cars they were assigned, some circus stars demanded their own train cars, displaying temperaments resembling those of modern media darlings. They controlled the show. Performers aimed to show the world "what a man can do (Hammarstrom, 52) ," impressing crowds across the country and working to obtain that standing ovation from the crowds whose attendance numbered in the thousands. Aerialists performed heart-stopping feats at heights far above the heads of those attending, riding bicycles and dancing. Their daring and expertise aroused feelings of "dazed rapture of disbelief and total awe," launching talented individuals, such as the delightful and delicate Bird Millman, who trilled popular songs to enchanted circus-goers on a tight wire thirty-six feet long while carrying a tiny balloon, into instant fame.

The animal-workers were an entirely different breed of circus performer, one whose passion had led them to work with exotic and often dangerous animals. In some cases, the animals were often as important to the show as the performers, depending, likewise, on the size and magnetic public adoration pull. Or, as it is better known, advertising power. As in all circuses, the more exotic, strange, and exciting the display, the grander it is presented and therefore the more popular it is with the public. Shows with a greater animal diversity often profited from it, giving them a further advantage over other circuses.

Unlike their center-ring act counterparts, animals often transcended performers in popularity by sheer exoticism. The separation between the menagerie of a circus and a circus' s center ring acts diminished over time, as the animals quickly were recognized for their popularity and became integrated into the acts. Isaac Van Amburgh quoted the Bible, saying "Didn't God say in Genesis 1:26 that men should have dominion over every animal on the earth?( Brooke, online)" when presenting the use of animals within his cat acts in the 1830's. By the golden era of the American traveling circus, most menageries contained at least one elephant while center-circle animals were increasingly dependent on the integration of animals within the performances. Crowds were moved by the inter-species relationships cultivated by circus professionals and circus owners exploited the real or imagined danger of traveling with such great beasts. Gargantua, an enormous gorilla who became "famous overnight (Culhane, 228)," captivated American audiences. The greater the beasts, the higher success a show could expect.

Sideshows, in addition to the menagerie collection, aided in the dictation of a show's prosperity. Big circuses, such as Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Baily scoured the earth for human oddities and small talents, such as sword-swallowing and fire-breathers. Tarot card readers, conjoined twins, and enchanting prostitutes dominated the sideshow tents, a few among many misfits. These individuals made their money through unconventional methods. Often the circus was the only alternative for someone born with a permanent, debilitating disorder, providing a sense of belonging. Many sideshow professionals flourished among those who were cast out of society as they were. Likewise, public curiosity, admiration, and yearning for knowledge sustained the growth and continuance of the sideshow, providing a valuable home for many who would be rejected elsewhere.

The Fall of the Circus- Enter the Electronic Age

The Great Depression destroyed the positive moral that buoyed the circus from city to city. Instead of having the ability to attend the circus, would-be patrons instead were standing in line at soup kitchens. Reduced admissions, as well as too-high payrolls, prompted the circus to evaluate cost-cutting measures. Live music, the big brass bands that were at one time the beating heart of the big top, became "one of the first victims of bad times (Hammarstrom, 44)," being instead replaced by cutting-edge phonograph records, the use of which enabled the circus to "replicate huge forty- to sixty-piece studio bands" without the costs of personnel, equipment, or travel space for such. As circuses turned to such crowd-pleasing technologies, crowds were turning to the newest and most exciting entertainment mediums: movie houses.

Up and coming movie-house owners began to dominate local entertainment in cities around the country. Movies provided entertainment on a scale not yet experienced by American entertainment seekers, and it quickly became embraced as a cultural icon. As a result, the circus was left to compete. Ironically, as with many technological advances, the movie picture had been a minor sideshow attraction before theater houses became popular, nourished into prosperity, as was electricity, by moving midways (McKennon, 108.) However, as the movie industry's buying power became greater, they fought against entertainment provided outside, with particular focus on "tented dramatic shows." With patronage depleted and costs skyrocketing, the rise of the movie-house further diminished the power of the old circus.

The circus began to transform. When John Ringling North took over the Ringling Bros. Circus in 1938, he recognized the importance of transporting the American circus into modern times. Americans were"much more sophisticated (Culhane, 233)" in the 1930's than they were before and had greater access to the world around them, thanks to the proliferation of "radio and movies with sound and color" into society. With 1938 being a dangerous year for traveling circuses, the year closing with the folding of eight shows, John North cast a "critical eye on size and manpower (Hammarstrom, 47)" and reduced workers by replacing them with mechanical tractors and stake-drivers. To streamline circuses with the advance of technology, John North attempted to modernize the circus, attempting to keep audiences "enchantingly engaged," creating a more surreal environment with the aid of special lights and designer-made costumes.

However, the circus was quickly losing footing among American entertainment-seekers. The carefully cultivated fantasy world of the movie house was quickly drowning out the aesthetics of the traveling circus. Modern entertainment drew crowds as the circus struggled to catch up. By the time the Ringling Bros. circus, in it's 86th season, "limped into Pittsburgh (Hammarstrom, 163)" the 16th of July in 1956, it was too late for their survival. Americans fell in love with the circus because it allowed them alternative insights, "life as heightened as imagination can make it. . . it is not special effects; it is real (Culhane, 234)," but it was no longer the darling of America's entertainment, the "illusions of the movies had replaced it." John Ringling North left the center ring, a defeated king of a forgotten dynasty, at the peak of American mobilization and spread of technology and allowed peacefully for the next act to commence.

The Modern Circus

David Lewis Hammarstrom, the foremost circus critic, has spent his life both working on and writing about circuses. Witnessing the fall of the circus first hand as a result of technology, in Fall of the Big Top he defines our modern technological hipsters as "three ring addicts at heart," the circus being a "glorified metaphor for our consumer-oriented society that still applies." In the same years that we were discovering the power harnessed by nuclear energy by the development of the first A bomb in 1949 or the ever expanding knowledge of space as well as the intense national grip of fear by the launching of Sputnik in 1957 (Animated History), the television gave us a greater insight into the world around us than ever before. In a few short generations, we changed global perception forever.

Today, it is barely possible in America to survive without the aid of advancements from the last century. An average person would wake to their blaring alarm, turn on the light and hop into a warm shower. Do you listen to the radio or watch the morning news? I drive to school and work myself, because, like many Americans, I own my own car. The effects of modernization are astounding, and from an advancement perspective, supporters of this cultural evolution view the benefits. Clearly, there must be a cultural benefit if everyone has a cell phone, laptop, satellite t.v., and blog. If it was not good for us, why would we do it?

From the time that was considered the "Golden Age" of the American circus to now, we have made great strides and stumbles. Creation of the automobile provided mass, long-distance transportation. The Civil Rights Movement created equality in law for all. We have cured many diseases and have seen the emergence of many new, terrifying threats such as AIDS. We have seen global disasters and threats of terror on dizzying new levels with the global population exploding from 2.5 billion people in the 1950's to nearly 6.8 billion today (U.S. Census Bureau) Americans, comfortable at home, have been able to view these astounding changes in the soft glow of the television, casting shadow puppets on the walls around us.

Certainly, many of these technological advances have aided individuals who had nowhere left to go. The Clyde Beatty Circus offered a young mother an opportunity she had little choice but to accept. Her daughters, Yvonne and Yvette, were born attached at the head. The circus offered their mother, Willa McCarther, an ability to pay her bills while raising five other children. The girls remained with the circus for a few years, impressing crowds simply by their ability to walk (Hartzman, 187). Technology allowed the circus to higher nurses to care for them when they were young, and teaching the world as well about the existence of conjoined twins. Technological advances also created other unique advantages for some individuals who had previously only thrived in the sideshow. Major Mite, a 28-inch tall human being who toured with Ringling for twenty years starting in 1923, took a break in 1938 to "head off to Munchkinland (Hartzman, 191)," landing a spot in the iconic movie The Wizard of Oz.

Most Americans change the environment around them, regarding themselves "as having mastery over nature (Eitzen, 107)." Rather than accept the world in it's natural state, we have "sought to change and conquer it." We believe, however, that "a proper application of scientific knowledge can meet any challenge... science will save us." In a lot of cases, it has. Polio, once a debilitating disease, has been aided in disappearance as a result of technology. Indoor plumbing, uncommon in the Golden Era of the circus, as well as widespread vaccination, both results of advancing scientific knowledge, deserve credit (Polio).

Certainly technology has aided in communication as well. In the times of the old circus, advance men arrived in the days before a grand steam engine puffed it's way into town, plastering barns and billboards and shouting in the town square about the up and coming show. Grandeur was important. Staging was important, as was wording of the advertisements. Alf T. Ringling, one of the infamous five Ringling brothers whose dynasty dominated the circus field for a subsequent eight decades, was a premier advertiser for the circus he ran with his brothers, wrote this exciting and imaginative description of their first menagerie for an 1886 newspaper:

"The Mammoth, Midnight Marauding,
Man-Eating Monstrosity, the Prowling,
Grave-Robbing Demon of all Created
Things, Who, While The World Sleeps, and
no Hand is Raised to Stay His Awful
Depredations, Sneaks Stealthily Under
Cover of Darkness to the Cemetery, and
with Ghoulish Glee Robs the Tomb.
His Hideous, Bloodcurdling Laughter
Paralyzes with Terror the Bravest Hearts.
He Leaves Behind Him a Trail of Blood,
and the Wails of the Dying Are Music to
his Ears (Culhane, 149)"

In these descriptive, and often visually colorful ways, the circus was communicated with the world. Though their menagerie contained merely "a bear, monkeys, an eagle, and a hyena they were able to buy cheap because it was blind," As technology advanced, and indeed induced the widespread access to visual, oral, and textual communication, such displays became less effective. As a culture that has the ability to copy-and-paste the prior quoted phrase into an online search engine and instantly view pictures of each, it becomes clear why technology in entertainment has leaped into first place.

But Where are all the People?

"I really wish they would invent something else in addition to the radio... Future generations would then have the opportunity to be astounded by the way broadcasting made it possible to say what it had to to the entire Planet Earth and at the same time enabled the Planet Earth to see that it had nothing to say"-Bertolt Brecht, 1927

In the age of the circus in the height of it's power, the midway was a pulsing vein, teeming with thousands upon thousands of circus folk and citizens, one entertaining the other, the other supporting the existence of the first, converging within the beating heart that was the big top. Photography, a relatively new technology at the turn of the century, captured midways, seething with people. Fifteen thousand individuals, under fifteen acres of canvas(Hammarstrom, 38,) came together to share a moment some would remember for the rest of their lives. They dazzled and delighted us, with carefully coordinated acts. They taught us about the world and simultaneously created a sense of cultural hegemony, because nobody had seen anything like The Greatest Show on Earth before, and together we shared in that moment.

However, no matter how glamorous the grand white horses, with the pretty girls in sequins, and regardless of how terrifying the animal acts were, they were no match for the growing interest in technology. We abandoned traditional forms of community entertainment and retreated indoors to view the greatest technological advance in the last century in the comfort of our own homes: the television. We had seen the positive effects of the automobile and embraced this new form of individual technology immediately. Science, once so obscure, entered our very own living rooms, "Apollo II, the mission to the moon...(was) the greatest crowd-pleaser in television history (Spigel,107.)" Our world was bigger than the circus tent.

Today, however, television has become a distracting media outlet. The variety of television shows, movies, and documentaries are overwhelming. Any one video store offers millions of hours of entertainment, far beyond the capabilities of the now-extinct traveling circus. Such entertainment is carefully manufactured. This summer, I often spent long hours in a make-up chair, my technician applying thick layers of movie make-up to my face. After the heavy application, myself and four other face-plastered individuals would act out scenes to our horror movie, the director adjusting our costumes, our props, our lines, the camera angles, and the sound to get a scene in enough ways to be able to piece together the storyline. Soon, our director told us in an e-mail last week, color correction and sound effects will be finished, moving our contribution to the ever-expanding entertainment industry into at least a living room or two. Though the hours were difficult, I find it difficult to compare this manufactured form of entertainment to the raw beauty of the old-fashioned circus.

Unfortunately, our country has diminished it's ability to validate it's use when the effects of this extreme proliferation of technology within society has caused the extinction of real talent. Where once technology was an asset, it is now an expectation. At one time, we were amazed by the ability of our fellow man. Today it is easy to manufacture technology. However, we are slowly learning that these new ways of living we're becoming adapted to thanks to advances "may not be the solution and may even be the source of the problem (Eitzen, 108.)" At the same time, we are being distracted.

Created Reality: Implications of a Created Society

"Let them Eat Television" -Robin Templeton, 1997

Today, we worship those devices which create a sense of advancement. Like the era of the circus, we are quick to find interest in all of the newest information. We are simply gaining information at a faster rate than ever before. Everyday, new discoveries replace existing information and our collective supply of information increases. One of the most profound examples of such is the rapid advancement of online information. In a few, short decades, internet has become widely available to the American public. With such ample access to such rich diverse information, it's easy to become distracted among the rubble.

T.H. Huxley's Infinite Monkey Theory states that, given infinite typewriters, infinite monkeys will eventually create a masterpiece somewhere (Keen, 4.) Through providing internet to mass citizenry, we hold daily witness to the mass attempts at such. Entertainment no longer requires careful talent, nourished over the years by dedication, and true talent now, for the most part, has become a thing of the past. Norma Cristiani, a circus performer, commented on the lack of people who truly devoted their lives to performing, noting that "nothing would undermine the circus so much as allowing for the use of mechanics (Hammarstrom, 56)" adding that performers would have the ability to perform "a lot more tricks if you knew you weren't going to get killed."

We no longer have time to such lifelong dedications anymore, though. "That curiously undervalued commodity called free time has been eliminated almost entirely (Winn, 131)," as we find ourselves dedicating more and more of our time working less with uncovering new knowledge and instead direct energy toward utilizing and benefiting from current advances. For instance, writing used to require the bothersome of sharpening goose and turkey quills for writing, but the invention of the steel-nibbed pen in the Victorian era replaced students and teachers of the necessity "-and of the skill-(Tenner, 162.)" of such sharpening.

Unfortunately, with every great advance, a society is bound to experience a cultural shift. And television, internet, and other modern entertainment media outlets are hardly the exception. If the circus represented reality to the extreme, where we are now represents the other end of the spectrum: imagination to the extreme. We became addicted to the taste of mass, global culture that circuses provided us. By the time we were provided the ability to learn about the world around us, we became distracted by the total submergence we experience daily from all of the messages around us.

This "wired world (Lightman, 290)" in practice was going to provide for us all of our dreams. However, by creating and utilizing technology to the extent that we as Americans do daily, we are adding "yet another level of separation between us and the action (Tenner, 162.)" In part, this means that we care less about what we do as well as the natural world around us. Our "greeting cards are becoming our epic poetry, MTV our heroic opera, and Walt Disney our Michelangelo (Twitchell, 224.)" Is this fair? The television, and indeed all of the benefits we enjoy from access to technology, transmit "a privileged view of the universe (Spigel, 107)," reveling in our Utopian ideals of "technological supremacy, consumer prosperity, and domestic bliss."

Rather than diversify our culture, technology has aided in society's homogenization. Will this new, advanced "wired world be better informed than any other, or will the information crowd out knowledge? (Stille xiii)." At the same time that the the tent circus collapsed, Ray Bradbury in his groundbreaking book Fahrenheit 451 imagined a world where books and knowledge were "hated and feared," where the television is reality, it "becomes and is the truth." This is the world we currently live in. We have the ability to create and manipulate the reality around us. Perhaps we have technologically advanced beyond the boundaries of the traditional circuses, but by completely personalizing our entertainment, we have also transcended our sense of reality.

Slowly, the memory of train circuses chugs into the distance, leaving the ghosts of performers past searching for their spotlight. In a relatively minor amount of time in human history, we obliterated the need for traveling talent. Within a matter of decades, our patterns of self-fulfillment and identity reflect our ever-increasing dependence on technology. While there is more available at the end of our finger tips, fewer and fewer of us spend time in the realm of reality. While we have outgrown the tent-circus, Americans will in the near future examine the cultural deficits and benefits of our new modes of entertainment. As a tight-rope walker would say, when attempting a new venture, always be sure to first evaluate the risks before taking the plunge.

Works Cited:

American History Time-line. Animated Atlas. (http://www.animatedatlas.com /timeline.html)

Bradbury, Ray. Fahrenheit 451. New York: Ballantine Books, 1953.

Brooke, Bob. "Step Right Up!" History Magazine. March, 2007.

Culhane, John. The American Circus: An Illustrated History. New York: Henry Holt and Company, 1990.

Eitzen, D. Stanley, and Maxine Bacca Zive, and Kelly Eitzen Smith. Social Problems. Boston: Pearson, 2009.

Gruen, Sara. Water for Elephants. New York: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 2006.

Hammarstrom, David Lewis. Behind the Big Top. Cranbury: A.S. Barnes and CO, Inc., 1980.

Hammarstrom, David Lewis. Fall of the Big Top: The Vanishing American Circus. Jefferson: McFarland and Company, Inc., Publishers, 2008

Hartzman, Marc. American Sideshow. New York: Penguin Group, 2005.

Keen, Andrew. The Cult of the Amateur: How Today's Internet is Killing our Culture. New York: Doubleday, 2007.

Lightman, Alan, and Daniel Sorewitz and Christina Dresser, eds. Living With the Genie: Essays on Technology and the Quest for Human Mastery. Washington D.C.: Island Press, 2003.

McKennon, Joe. A Pictorial History of the American Carnival. Bowling Green: Popular Press, 1972.

Polio Fast Facts. DocStock. (http://www.docstoc.com/docs/2317445/Fast-Facts-on-Polio)

Schechter, Danny. The More You Watch, The Less You Know. New York: Seven Stories Press, 1997.

Spigel, Lynn. Welcome to the Dreamhouse. Durham: Duke University Press, 2001.

Stille, Alexander. The Future of the Past. New York: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2002.

Swortzell, Lowell. Here Come the Clowns. New York: The Viking Press, 1978.

Tenner, Edward. Why Things Bite Back: Technology and the Revenge of Unintended Consequences. New York: Alfred A Knopf, Inc., 1996.

Twitchell, James B. Carnival Culture: The Trashing of Taste in America. New York: Columbia University Press, 1992.

U.S. Census Bureau. World Population Estimates. (http://www.census.gov/ipc/www/idb/worldpopinfo.php.)

Winn, Marie. The Plug-In Drug: Television, Computers and Family Life. New York: Penguin Group, 2002.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 06:25:34 GMT

This morning I woke. Tired, but optimistic. A good attitude is optimal for starting my day. I feel the power of the world again, the stress and sadness that has overwhelmed my days lays heavy on my chest. With this, and my books, I packed my way to school, the weight of my emotion on my heart and the reason why contained within the books on my back. One cannot weigh their emotions when the world's weight is displayed for consideration.
The internalization of education is never easy. I contemplate the separation in my own life. What led me here? What has come before? The cool, crisp day reminds me I am human, that I can feel. Time escapes through my fingers, and again I am caught up in the excitement of education and future and knowledge.
But what of the loss? Can one compare, leaving the world that you've loved for the one you're learning? My oblivious nature held me to life's bosom; it was easier to live than to know. I appreciate the beauty of the world for it's delicate and resistant nature in deeper ways. I feel more complexly human than ever before. Regardless, I will never be able to return to the world I was born and socialized in. The ties are painful to break, a cultural amputation. I am optimistic. This is the only thing I have left anymore, and it is optimal for starting everyday and living every moment as such. I'm tired, sleep eludes me in lieu of education.
Tonight, I sit again. Exhausted, exhilarated. I sit in the cool night, the wind kissing my cheeks. The physical intake of the feeling raises tiny goosebumps along my arms. I'm reading again, an assignment for another class. I work hours in the damp air, the cool wind, the comfort of what's natural. I realize, yet again, that my emotions are a precariously full dam within my heart. The physical sense of the wind while I work will, for now, replace the emotional act of feeling my emotions. The more I work, the less I am; the more I seek, the more I become.
When tomorrow breaks, I will have completed the most I could have. I remember I cannot break myself completely; I am human yet. As tired as I am, as stressed as I feel at this moment, as much as I choke back the forces that will break me, tomorrow I will wake up optimistic. I may be an idealist, with hopes of eventual educational utopia, but the struggle separates dictionary and personal definitions of utopia for me. When I crest I-5, early tomorrow, and ascend on the cement haven I know better than my own apartment, I will, for a moment, remember my utopia.

MOVIE TEASER!

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 04:05:01 GMT

Check it out! The teaser from the movie I'm in- rock on!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dOEp4OlMWc

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 20:04:23 GMT

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 16:55:49 GMT

To me, there is little difference between the DUI and a strip club-
The flashing lights, too much to drink. The hands that hold your thighs, your waist, eyes lock into your eyes. A feeling of too much, too bad. Incomplete feelings of exasperation. Perspiration. And you are touched. Grasping, handling, holding, searching. And you may not touch back, or risk the shame of a more cold, dark place than you inhabit now.
In both there is a feigned sense of authority. In their respective worlds they hold the key to your in-morality, a shamed secret but few care to divulge. You either love those entertainers, or despise their hold over you. Powerless, you wait for reality to set in. The cold cement after wards awaits your arrival where you wait for your salvation. Church, or a 300-hundred mile drive to free you.
Blinking in the emerging sun thereafter, you can't help but wonder- Was the money I wasted tonight worth a night of indiscretion?

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:13:23 GMT

So, I'm very excited to announce that I have recieved a part in a horror movie, starting to shoot this September, and wrapping sometime next spring/summer. I got the part of the token "last girl alive" badass Maxine. The movie wont go to theaters, but it will be nationally distributed. If you buy it, I'll sign it for ya. ;) Exciting!

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:23:56 GMT

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 05:23:01 GMT

Prophecy

The ten of swords, the hanged man-
One again, the prophecy reads that nothing
But the grace of god can save me,
Though reluctant to believe.

The pattern, the slight shift in matter, deceive-
And who am I, but a temptress in the sleeve?
Can’t one tell, the difference between heaven and hell?
It is my reality.

And for you, your tricks, your intricate ability to perceive
Nothing beyond the realm of impossibility,
I give you no more than you have given me.

The steady strip of inhumanity brings me
Near to immortality between the sheets,
Without more than a whisper of commitment,
Or even a word of resentment, you gave me
But a glimpse into what will never be.

Though, through the harrowing regret,
I find little remorse, or otherwise,
To convince me that you were more
Than just a bummed cigarette,
Somewhat of one who preferred to pet.

And I, I find, needed you.
One to remind me my own ability to deceive-
The blind confined to their own reality.
And though that may be my place,
I am content in the acceptance thereof.

And instead shift my ability to please
Into the hands of humanity

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 04:46:07 GMT

Good evening! Another fantastically ironic day, just like the one before.
Regardless, in Bend for a few days, not really doing a whole lot, so give me a call (if you'd like)
Anyway, there is pretty much nothing going on with me right now. I'm living in Cottage Grove with Lucas and his family (who have basically adopted me) until I feel like going back to work / I run out of money. I suppose I should be doing something useful with my time, like devoting serious time to thought, or writing my memiors. Instead, I'm perfecting the art of sleeping past noon, drinking all day and smoking. That, I feel, is just about as much as I need to accomplish

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:35:02 GMT

So I got into a car accident, which put me out of commission recently. It's a really hard time for me here in Eugene. Mostly because I'm so busy with working and going to school that I don't really have time to deal with a car that's thrashed and a really painful back and stomach. My day's require so much energy, which was always fine because I have a lot of energy, but now I'm just too freakin' busy. But, it's been decided that I will be heading home for the summer. I want to relax in bend before next term- it's been a shity year so far. But hey, at least I'm persistently positive and focused so I'm getting through it. Bien!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:49:00 GMT

I will be in Bend tonight around midnight or so, stay all day friday, and leave saturday morning around 5 am. Anyone who wants to see me in my 30 hours or so in bend (very little sleep!) call or text 541-350-8613

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 00:16:52 GMT

I had my 21st birthday yesterday, and it was perfect. My new roommate Alacia, and PR major, wrote me up a plan. Bar at midnight, sleep, gym, "chillax", dinner, and then bar-->bar--->bar->bar
As it were my whole day went to plant except when it came to going out,then it went bar-->strip club. It was a good time.

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 05:11:36 GMT

So, tomorrow closes my first official term of college. Then begins spring break, and I'm already well into my last month of being a “minor" and I'm at that inevitable point in my life where I question everything I am, and where I came from. Obviously this is a very annoying question to ponder, considering the fact that, just like everyone else I know, I like to pretend that I know who I am. This is particularly a problem for me, as I am finding that I am the opposite of everything I thought.

Not without taking into consideration the brute forces of change, I realize that I may not have always fundamentally been such as I am now. I believe people have the ability, with exceptional events and exceptions in general (therefore shaky at best), to change core bits of their personality (either intentionally or unintentionally). Meaning, basically, that even a month ago, when my entire fucking life felt like it was going up in smoke, I may have been a twin (same background, same look, different ideas, and different morals) of myself. Therefore, with that taken into consideration, this is who I (am) find(ing) in my search for myself.

I find that I love the idea of romance, but in actuality, I am not a romantic person. I like getting shit done, reading and talking. And writing intellectually (to be revisited). I’m not a huge fan of romantic walks or staring into each other’s eyes. My eyes are brown. Thanks. Moving on.

I’ve learned that I enjoy good sex. Read, I enjoy good sex, I am not a whore. I value craftsmanship, and the general process. I love feeling sexy. I love exercising, and how beautiful I feel it makes me. I still love my high heels, but I like my jeans now too. I find I am also in preference of coupldom, as I would rather to learn well, and be comfortable, than to worry about expertise or disease (perhaps not in that order).

Again, I enjoy good writing. However, don’t assume that because I am pretty (fucking) good at writing poetry (and, I’ve heard, in general) that I’m willing to edit your most recent “essay” or… as you call it, “confession of the soul”. I mean I appreciate good writing, and perhaps that may mean that you know Keats or Yates, a poetic Plath or Hughes, maybe Sedaris (a good one!), and have studied for more than general content and diction. Creative. I appreciate intellect. Most friends I value are passionate for work, school… for life.

There is a fine line for me, I find, between being an intellectual and being an activist. This is the portion of my personality I have a difficult time figuring out. I find there will never be enough time for me to ever learn everything I want to, but how does one find time to settle on but one career for a lifetime? Is life long enough? (Or, in morbid reality, too long for what we are doing to each other, the earth?)* (see below) Regardless of which is the reality, the fact is that I’m having a hard time deciding if I want to help those in need in developing countries that certainly need more help than the majority of American, or spend my days writing about the sad state of the world. Arguably one could do both, however I feel you can only get paid for one at a time, and one must eliminate all outside influence to do either passionately. Therefore, just by proxy, I could never do either as I do the other.

To be determined: The effects of legally being able to buy alcohol, therefore eliminating the tiring (and time-consuming) possibility of getting caught.

*Again an ironic contrast, when re-reading this paragraph, as it is dedicated to balancing intellect and activism. An intellect would think there was too much time because all statistics (an intellectual measure) point to the destroying of humanity, while an activist may think there to be too little time to complete all that is needed.

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 00:18:29 GMT

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 03:37:15 GMT

So I started school at Lane community today and I am so excited about my Global Health class. It's supposed to teach about the differences between our country and how we are basically ignoring the problem around the globe. How stereotypes are negative for personal growth and whatnot. Then a college math and writing class.. The only bad part is how much my work is now totally fucked. I have to get A's to get into the nursing program
and working 40 hours as a banker is not exactly the "stress free" life I'd like.
Oh well. At least I wont have to take out student loans if I can do it. Of course, that means tomorrow is my one day in the week to sleep to 6am! (Now I'm living it up)

Regardless..
I spent New Years in Disneyland with Josh and his 3 kids (7,9 & 9) which was pretty amazing. It was a 13 hour drive there and back, but seeing disneyland sold out (68 THOUSAND PEOPLE) was really awesome. Especially with three kids who have never been before. We spent 18 hours there the first day and I was the only one to A. Throw up after a ride. B. Throw up before a ride and C. Sleep on a bench in Toon Town.

It was great.

My agent thing is in Seattle in less than two weeks and I have no pictures for it. Its my fault, and it sucks but thats life

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 20:09:30 GMT

Mimosas and bingo scratch-it tickets
The holiday tradition that keeps on giving.

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 16:07:13 GMT

Hello!
I wanted to let everyone know that I will be in Bend today and part of tomorrow, so if you want to hang out, its something we'd have to do tonight since I'm jetting back so fast!

Brittany

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 11:29:08 GMT

In case anyone is wondering (though i'm sure you arent) the reason i need a photographer is because i was invited to an event in seattle, with scouts from 50 modeling and acting agencies, and in order to do that, i need some creative photographs, in color and black and white.

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 02:33:02 GMT

I'm looking for a photographer.

35.5 seconds

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 13:08:23 GMT

My hands trace the lines, bone between bone
With supple skin in between. A serene routine
With naught but love unseen.
But heard. A whisper, a heavy sheath lay beneath
The screaming molecules, wrestling to be free.

Have I not a heart, so solid in its gloss-
It’s glass shines underneath the cement.
My chest rising- agreeing to consent
Content in it’s will to mount and descent,
The intent to invert my humble intentions within.

Shy, simple, soft spoken-
An easy girl. One to be broken.
But meek in words, timid in works-
(A tiny reaction. Slight gasp.
Have not you a piece of sheet
Left to grasp?)

Inspiration- the electrified space that
Takes up the inches of air between
My hip bone. Your cheek bone.

To take such winds alone, the unknown
Stretching between posts, too-clean bedclothes.
The cologne alone sending wired response, a moan
Intoned with response.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 12:51:41 GMT

I'm feeling a little left out. Kind of like when I moved, I was forgotten. Its a hard feeling because it makes me feel like there was no reason to make friends in bend at all considering i don t have them now.
Things in eugene are ok. I love the city, its openness and excitement.
A city for the sleepless.
Please drop me a line.

Moving....

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 03:34:15 GMT

I'm getting out of Bend, and moving to springfield/eugene.
My official moving day is this friday, but will make a quick trip back this next Monday. Aside from that... I wont live there anymore. So if you want to see me, call me

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 06:31:08 GMT

I have a second, to breathe,
The ease of momentary infatuation deceased.
The simple, and trite, expertise one may portray
The platitudinous life I live, I lead, I writhe.
It seems as though I am here, my mere existence
May be only to please, appease the
Hardened hearts of another.

I am no tease, with these hands I hold
I tell you:
(My cigarette performing an enticing silhouette)
I am merely determined, set, for only once
Does one have a chance laid before them
Such as the one I beg for upon my knees.

I have no regret,
My life leading mere consequences
To actions may or may not helped.
I stand strong, a birch tree in the wind
(But again, even the strongest roots
Can be torn as a photograph, a memory.)

Each day now is propitious,
My excitement to breathe is incredible.
An auspicious start to a new chapter.
A moment (one may hope, dream)
That is cherished and stuck beneath
A bell jar for its simplistic beauty.
(Am I free? Finally?) I haven’t nearly
An answer to such a question.

I know this (I dream this)
For only a moment, when the
Breeze passes beneath the trees,
I was there with you. And in that instant,
That split second, trice memory
(A sliver of sunlight appearing above the distant landscape)
I knew beauty, Reality of which I have never known.

Is true love the last breath from his lips
Echoed by a gunshot from her?
Or the moments leading there?
I believe all can equally agree:
True love is only but what you make it to be.

And I?
I have merely a theory.

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 05:54:20 GMT

Words hit me like a punch in the stomach. So much to say but not nearly enough energy to write it.